Re: "what i believe" (re: attachment parenting)

A friend of mine posted this "what i believe" blog entry from www.thebadassbreastfeeder.com to facebook this week, saying that it is a pretty accurate expression of her own parenting beliefs.

http://www.thebadassbreastfeeder.com/2012/07/what-i-believe.html

I have copied the blog text here and written my response in green beneath each item:

These beliefs are mine and mine alone. I do not speak for any of the Admins on my page or in my private group. They are my beliefs, Abby, The Badass Breastfeeder. You won’t all agree with me and that is OK. I hope you stay. I am not doing this to alienate people. I am stating these beliefs clearly so you will know exactly what I stand for, what I advocate for and what you can learn here. These beliefs are mine (Dana's) and mine alone.  I do not speak for anyone else here.  You will not all agree with me and that is ok.  I welcome your truth and would never wish to alienate people.  I am stating these beliefs clearly so that you can better understand me.

I believe all babies were born to breastfeed on demand. I believe that all babies have the right to human breast milk (whether it be their mother’s milk or donor milk). I believe donor milk needs to be more readily available to women. I believe that the vast majority of women that do not breastfeed are victims of a lack of support, misinformation about our bodies and formula and a culture that does not value us. I believe that many of us fail to breastfeed or meet our breastfeeding goals because we have been taught that we are not good enough. 

I believe all babies are born with a natural program to breastfeed on demand.  I believe it is the birthright of all mammals to receive breastmilk (donated, nursemaided, or mother's milk).  I believe that almost all women who do not breastfeed are victims of a lack of support, misinformation about the nature of our bodies and formula and a mainstream culture which does not value us.  I believe that many of us fail to breastfeed or meet our breastfeeding visions because we have been taught that we are not good enough, and we quickly surrender to ideas that we 'couldn't make enough milk", etc. 

I believe formula companies are evil (formula companies, not formula feeding mothers). I believe that formula companies lie about their products, put children at risk of illness or death and do it to make a profit. I believe that formula companies play a major role in the extremely low breastfeeding rates in America. I believe that the effects on humans of formula use by generation after generation will be devastating. I believe formula use is an uncontrolled experiment being done on our children.  

I believe that formula companies do tell lies about their products, sometimes putting children at risk of illness or death and do it to make a profit. I believe that formula companies play a major role in the extremely low breastfeeding rates in America.

I believe that children have the right to decide for themselves when to stop breastfeeding.

I believe that once a child is able to eat foods, they are able to nurse less or wean.  Weaning is a process which is different for each mother and child relationship;  in some cases, it is most natural and nourishing for both the mother and child to continue nursing until the child wishes to stop.  At the same time, there are also entirely healthful, yet different, relationship situations and dynamics which support other weaning patterns, or mother-led weaning.  This latter process is no less natural than child-led weaning.  In fact, in nature, it would seem to be the more prevalent course of weaning.   After raising up four babies of my own and studying hundreds of other mother/toddler breastfeeding relationships, I have tended to find that child-led weaning is actually less inclined to instill in a child a grounded  sense of belonging and safety than the loving-strong-mother-led variations of weaning.

I believe corporal punishment (including spanking, swatting and popping) is emotional and physical abuse.

I believe corporal punishment (including spanking, swatting and popping) is often correlated and sometimes confused with emotional and physical abuse. 

I believe the Cry It Out method is emotional and physical abuse.
I believe the Cry it Out method is traumatizing and unnatural for young babies.  After around the age of six months, a loving and caring parent may gradually begin to experiment with allowing his/her child to "cry it out" if the parent occasionally intuits that the child is simply over-tired or over-stimulated.  Learning to discharge unpleasant emotions is a skill which will support these babies and toddlers in being happier and better adjusted to community life.    

I believe routine infant circumcision is wrong and violates the rights of babies. I believe our culture has fallen victim to a vast amount of misinformation about the medical benefits of this act.

I believe routine infant circumcision is routine genital mutilization. I believe our culture has fallen victim to a vast amount of misinformation about the medical benefits of this act.  And that many men grow to resent that their parents allowed another person to mutilate their son's genitals when he was vulnerable and unable to protest. 

I believe strollers, pacifiers and cribs were designed to create distance between us and our babies. I believe their use affects the long-term emotional well-being of our children.

I believe that strollers, pacifiers and cribs, when used without care, can contribute to further emotional distancing between parents and babies.  When used with conscious care to our children's best interest, these tools can sometimes be nourishing of the child and/or parents wellbeing. 

I believe babies were born to be held.

I believe babies were born to be held.

I believe babies were born to sleep with their mothers.

I believe babies were born to sleep with their mothers.

I believe sleep-training does not meet the needs of a baby. I believe that parents sleep-train babies for their own benefit. I believe sleep-training has created a generation of people who require prescription sleep medications.

I believe "sleep-training" is traumatizing for babies...and the younger, the moreso the trauma.

I believe that treating a baby, toddler and child like they are the center of the universe will grow selfless and empathic adults. I believe if all people were treated this way as children the world would truly change. I believe self-centered adults are the babies that did not get their needs met.

I believe that treating a newborn infant like they are the center of the universe through the entire first three months of their life is pretty crucial in doing our best by our children.   As the baby comes more into his human experience of thinking and communicating, though, this strategy of deliberate or unconscious child-centered parenting becomes harmful for children.  It is always important to love our children.  When people confuse loving and parenting our children with sheltering our children from natural consequences, imbalanced perspectives settle in.   Setting toddlers or children's rights and will above the rights or will of any other individuals in the community, including his parents', becomes unhealthy and unpleasant for all.  This unchecked boundary-less "permissive" parenting style is a reaction to its opposite unchecked parenting style:  fear-fueled, power-mongering, coersive "authoritarian" parenting. 

Young children do not yet have the skills or experience that they need to have in order to feel happy and confident as leaders in their family/ community.  When parents neglect to create and maintain boundaries for their children, the children are routinely unhappy, whining, throwing tantrums, and they become programed to unconscious selfishness, which never brings the fulfillment and sense of belonging that we all really desire for our children to experience. 

I believe when our own needs are not met as babies we in turn struggle to meet the needs of our own babies.
I believe that we are each doing the best that we can with the tools, experiences, and understandings that we have uniquely come by.  It is not for any person to judge that another should be making a different choice.  Often, the person who has experienced much trauma and hardship will have unique insights which inspire her to ever-more deliberate parenting.  Other times, a parent is never able to largely overcome the unconscious parenting he or she received as an infant/child, and they pass it on to their own children without much of any thought that they might could break the cycle and pass on a different kind of experience.  I do not entirely understand the causes of this spectrum of experience, and my parenting path is an active experiment in the cultivation of my own childrens' resilience, confidence, and inner-reflection.   .   

I believe the lack of research on the effects of vaccinations places our babies at risk. I believe the Center for Disease Control’s vaccination schedule is an uncontrolled experiment being done on our children.

I believe the lack of research on the effects of vaccinations places our babies at risk. I believe the Center for Disease Control’s vaccination schedule is an uncontrolled experiment being done on our children.  I do not appreciate the considerations of profit, fear, and dependence which propel the majority of pharmaceutical production. 

I believe it is impossible for a baby or toddler to self soothe.

I believe it is entirely possible, and important, for a baby or toddler to be given opportunities to discover their own ability to self soothe.

I believe it is impossible for a baby or toddler to be manipulative.

I believe it is impossible for a newborn infant to be manipulative.  As they grow more into their human experience of thinking and communicating, though, manipulation is one of the first things they begin to learn.  This is not because they are bad.  Rather, it is because basic manipulation is one of the most primitive forms of communication and engagement-with-other.  They do not have any sophisticated understandings or language, but they are programmed to experiment with boundaries and power, always exploring the nature and edges of the container that their caregiver creates (or neglects to create) for them. 

I believe it is impossible to spoil a baby.

I believe it is impossible to spoil a newborn infant.  And that the parenting art of transitioning from newborn-parenting to toddler-parenting is not intuitive for many of us, especially those of us who's own needs were under-supported by our own parents as children. 

I believe parents trust doctors too much.

I believe most parents trust doctors beyond propriety, undermining their own superior understandings of their child's unique needs, experiences, etc.  I believe most doctors trust parents too little. 

I believe that all babies have the right to a natural birth. I believe babies born with medical intervention (pain medication, cesarean, etc.) are at risk for health problems.

I believe that babies are programmed with an expectation of a natural birth.  That when a baby and mother begin their lifetime relationship together from the point of a natural birth, they are starting with the most empowering experience that nature/god can provide.  Most medical interventions inhibit the pervasively effective nature of birth.  

I believe all women have the right to breastfeed wherever, whenever, however they want.

I believe in supporting the natural right of all women to breastfeed their children whereever, whenever, and however they feel will support the best-interest of their child as well as their self and their community. 

I believe all moms are capable of meeting all of their baby’s needs.

I believe almost all mothers are capable of meeting all of their baby's needs.

I believe we do our babies a disservice when we close ourselves off from new information.

I believe we do ourselves and our entire community a disservice when we close ourselves off from new information and ideas.

I believe we have lost touch with our instincts due to modern-day life, capitalism and misinformation. I believe we would meet all of our baby’s needs by following our instincts.

I believe we have lost touch with our natural inheritance of wisdom due to modern-day life, capitalism and misinformation.  I believe our ancestors knew better and more confidently than we do how to provide for the thriving of our babies and children. 

I believe all mothers love their children.

I believe all mothers love their children in the ways that they know how, and to the degree which they are able to love themselves. 

I believe no child is an inconvenience, bad or wrong.

I believe all children have natural gifts and are fundamentally love-emitting and love-seeking. 

I believe in attachment over structure, discipline and punishment.

I believe in the crucial relationships between attachment, structure, modeling, and discipline.  I observe much confusion among "AP" parents at the distinctions between unhealthy coercive, punitive "authoritarian" parenting and a healthy style that is loving, firm, consistent, and evolving:  "authoritative" parenting. 

I believe many conversations end in arguing due to our own unresolved feelings.

I believe many conversations end in arguing due to most peoples unconscious behavior of making value-judgments about others' behaviors and choices and perpetuated by each unconscious person's egoic "need to be right".

I want to remind you that these are my beliefs. I speak for no one and I do not ask you to agree with me. I only want to be clear. I believe you deserve clarity and honesty from me. This list is not exhaustive. I will continue to expand my beliefs. I look forward to a long journey of being open to new information and searching for answers.

ditto